If living through the COVID-19 pandemic has taught us anything–and it surely hasn’t–it would be the importance of friendship and community to our physical and emotional well-being.
For more on the subject of People Who Ought to Know Better Not Learning the Obvious Lessons from Misfortune, one needs look no further than social media.
Popularity
One of the reoccurring topics of the Discourse on Furry Twitter is those gosh-darned popufurs–loosely defined as “anyone with a higher follower account than you”.
I’ve written an analysis post back when I posted on Medium that covered friendship and popufurs, which inspired Stormi to create a YouTube video about the topic:
I’ve never experienced popularity, but I’ve been close personal friends with a few people who do, and I’ve witnessed the fallout of parasocial relationships. Archantael did a really good video on that subject:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cXGyKaOEz8I
Loneliness
One of the most dangerous falsehoods that too many furries believe about popularity is that you can’t be popular and lonely at the same time.
Loneliness was already an epidemic before COVID-19, and the prolonged social isolation has led to a lot of relationship strain, to say the least.
In the past year, we’ve seen a lot of long-term, loving relationships end abruptly. We’ve seen people who were coping with mental health issues suddenly succumb to them. Tempers hasten. Patience shorten. It’s been a royal clusterfuck, and at least in America, there’s no end to it in sight.
Friendship
I think a big problem that rarely gets talked about is that our society is plagued by weird beliefs about what friendship is or ought to be.
The “Friend Zone” Myth
One of the most deplorable myths about friendship is the so-called “friend zone”. The story goes something like this:
- When you meet someone, they’re a stranger. No arguments there.
- Once you and them start to gain familiarity, they become an acquaintance.
- After you’ve spent some time as an acquaintance, they become a friend.
- At this point, if your gender identities and sexual orientations are compatible, you’re expected to move onto some sort of romantic interest–be it a friendship “with benefits”, romantic partner, or something in-between.
- Once you’ve courted a number of flings, you progress towards a higher caliber of relationship. Namely: Marriage.
The reasoning goes: If you befriend a potential romantic partner, and remain friends, you’re somehow stuck on a less valuable step than what you should desire, and therefore should feel bad about it.
That’s what people say when they accuse someone of being in the “friend zone” by another person.
This mental model of viewing relationships is just dripping with the sort of hetero-normative patriarchy that feminists famously oppose, but not enough people actually listen to long enough to realize they also have your best interests in heart when they levy their critiques.
The belief in the Friend Zone leads to the cheapening of friendships in pursuit of sexual and romantic fulfillment. It’s inherently exclusionary to platonic expressions of love, asexuality, and polyamory.
Toxic Positivity
Life sometimes sucks.
Sometimes, the only way to cope with the suckage of life is to commiserate to your friends.
A good friend will listen, empathize with your experiences, and maybe even share their own. Friendship is rooted in shared vulnerability and appreciation.
But sometimes you encounter one of the Toxic Positivity proponents. “You’re bringing me down.” “Why are you depressed all the time?” We’ve heard it all before.
But toxic positivity is often more subtle than that. I’ll give you an example:
A good friend will tell you when you’re being an asshole, and try to talk you down from making foolish mistakes that will only hurt your future happiness.
Sometimes these conversations are tense and stressful. Sometimes you have to seem cruel to be kind. People are complicated.
And while I can understand not wanting to deal with high levels of stress all the damn time, there comes a time when you have to deal with the problems in front of you. Negative peace leads to a net negative.
Social Climbing and Disposable Friends
This one’s straight out of the “Actions Speak Louder Than Words” genre, and often follows from toxic positivity.
Some people try to walk the social graph in order to position themselves near popular members of the community so they might benefit from others’ popularity.
Some people treat their friends as disposable and temporary, moving from group to group over the years, rather than face accountability for their own terrible behavior.
Some people do both of those things.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BI0lfO9_BAc
Happiness
Friendship and community are essential for humans to be happy. This is the conclusion of The Happiness Hypothesis.
Happiness does not come from within. It’s not something that you can summon into existence through sheer force of will.
Happiness does not come from without. It’s not a lost treasure that you have to go forth and dig up somewhere.
Happiness comes from in-between; from the strong and weak bonds in our lives. It’s our sense of closeness and vulnerability to others within our close friendships and broader communities that lead to happiness.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4q1dgn_C0AU
Asking Ourselves “Why?”
Why do people pursue romance at the expense of friendships?
Why do people construct filter bubbles based on superficial positivity?
Why do people try to use others as stepping stones towards their ambitions or treat their friendships as disposable and temporary?
Why do we as a social species do all of this when we need friendships and communal bonds to be happy?
I think a lot of the time, the answer boils down to “ego”.
Ego
We as a species pay lip-service to friendship when it serves our self-interest, but discard its importance the second friendship becomes inconvenient.
Our ego–especially if we practice monogamous relationships–dictate that the only way to be “successful” in sex and love is to be in a committed relationship and friendship is just a stepping stone on the way to the real goal.
Our ego gets bruised when our friends show us tough love by speaking the truth.
Our ego drives us to strive for bigger numbers and stronger dopamine hits, even if it means using and abusing people along the way.
That’s what I take it to mean when Buddhists say that desire and ignorance lie at the root of suffering.
We want things, and we don’t know why we want them, but we do. And we will destroy ourselves and everyone we profess to love in pursuit of it. We’ll even destroy the habitability of our only planet in service to these desires.
Or we could, simply, not do that. If there’s one thing our ego loves, it’s to be reminded that we have a choice. That we’re in control.
As a hacker, exploiting a mechanism to undermine its normal goals is something I find a lot of beauty in. Hijacking the self-destructive nature of your own ego in service of your better nature is a masterpiece.
Choice
You are the protagonist of your own story. You can’t control what the universe throws as you, but you do get to decide what it means for you. Why not choose a better lesson?
And that’s usually enough to lead us to making better decisions, showing greater affection and appreciation for the people in our lives, and being more capable at coping with the endless hellscape that is other, often shitty, people.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CSM3Uml4Xpo
Soatok’s Friends
I’m fortunate to know a lot of excellent people, both within and without the furry fandom. Most of my closest friends don’t have enormous social media followings. Some of my friends do!
I believe it’s important for friendships to be genuine and not transactional.
Belmont / Doomalorian
My oldest friend recently made a fursona, so he can be more involved with my participation in the furry fandom.
Most of you don’t know him yet, but if you think I’m cool, you’ll almost certainly like him too. We’ve been friends for over 12 years and live together.
His furry account is @BelmontLion.
He also has a non-fandom account, @Doomalorian, which is also his Twitch.tv channel.
https://twitter.com/Doomalorian
In the future, I’ll be picking up Twitch streaming again. I’ll probably play a bunch of games with my friends and generally just have a lot of fun with it. If that sort of thing interests you, stop by his streams and maybe give him a follow.
https://soatok.blog/2020/10/22/nearly-everyone-underestimates-the-importance-of-good-friendships/
#friends #friendship #furries #furry #FurryFandom #Society
As America prepares for record-breaking infection statistics on a daily basis, many of us are looking at other countries safely reopening and wondering, “Why can’t we have nice things?”
What you see if you type “COVID-19 statistics” into a search engine. Data sourced from Wikipedia.
Of course, everyone has their favorite target to blame for this catastrophe. Democrats blame Republicans. Republicans blame Democrats.
I’m not interested in blame. Regardless of who takes the blame in the end, the responsibility for fixing this problem is shared among everyone. Instead, I’m more interested in answering the “Why?” question.
Why Did Things Get This Bad?
Art by circuitslime.
There are a lot of popular theories–many of them politically useful–about why the COVID-19 crisis is particularly bad in the United States.
A Failure of Trump’s Leadership?
Let’s get this one out of the way:Was the current hellscape we found ourselves in a direct consequence of Donald J Trump’s failure to ethically and responsibly use his power as President of the United States in the best interest of the people?
https://www.youtube.com/embed/svrxYLvJYto?feature=oembed
“It’ll miraculously go away in April!” – Morons
It’s certain that Trump has totally failed at leadership, but I don’t think that’s a satisfactory explanation for the current crisis.https://www.youtube.com/embed/s9vzT-0hchw?feature=oembed
That is not to say that Trump is without fault! Just that the problem is bigger than one idiot in a three piece suit.
Challenges Due to Scale?
A lot of the countries that performed better at responding to COVID-19 had smaller populations and occupied smaller land masses than the United States. Is that a reasonable explanation for why the USA suffers?Per-capita analyses and samples from other countries with similar populations and occupied surface area would be consistent with the USA if that was the reason. This problem is mostly uniquely American.
Are the Protesters at Fault?
COVID-19 has an incubation period of up to two weeks.The first signs of an uptick in COVID-19 infections was visible early into the nationwide Black Lives Matter protests, which implicates an earlier cause. The most likely one was the Memorial Day weekend celebrations that took place before George Floyd’s murder sparked widespread outrage.
Indeed, a further analysis did not show an uptick of COVID-19 infections even 4 weeks into the nationwide protests (which is two incubation periods).
Instead, the sharp spike in COVID-19 infections–factoring in the incubation period–coincided with states reopening their bars and restaurants. (Especially Florida.)
Why Things Are So Bad Today
The problem that America faces is the same one we’ve been faced with for many decades: Rampant Anti-Intellectualism.https://www.youtube.com/embed/bZnBL2dFgyI?feature=oembed
American anti-intellectualism is the juxtaposition of proud ignorance and conspiracy theories.
Let me ask all you female mask wearing ASSHOLES… are you ready to put a burka on next?That mask is NOT about your safety…. it's about MIND CONTROL
The only reason I know masks are worthless is because Andrew Cuomo keeps telling EVERYONE to wear one
Stick it up your ass!
— 🇺🇸🍺TRUMP WON🍺🇺🇸 (@PISDI94_96) June 30, 2020
Tweet is also archived in case it gets deleted.
Anti-intellectualism takes many forms:Every single time y'all tell me you're not ready to submit a talk on a subject you've been researching for months, I want you to think about "I don't actually ride in Ubers" internet-commentator guy. pic.twitter.com/aK2LAcFtzb— Lesley Carhart (@hacks4pancakes) July 1, 2020
People are so willing to die on the hill of their ignorance that even literally dying doesn’t deter them from campaigning for self-destruction.
RIGHT NOW: Dozens are marching in Sanford chanting “My body. My choice.” They are protesting after a mask order went into place in Seminole County today. pic.twitter.com/kMT7EebDKN— Stephanie Buffamonte (@StephBuffamonte) July 1, 2020
The reason that things are so bad in the United States of America boils down to the following:
- Too many Americans are proud to be ignorant, and in many cases, argue in support of “my ignorance is just as good as your facts”.
- Too many Americans are susceptible to bullshit conspiracy theories.
- Too many Americans are so selfish and short-sighted that they’d rather go to bars and waste money they don’t have on alcohol and shallow conversation than save the lives of the people they profess to love and care about.
- Conservative politics and media is a death cult that literally turned “wearing a mask to stop COVID-19” into a culture war issue.
- The people I’ve described in points 1-4 vote in every election, to make sure someone representing their bullshit has a seat at the political table.
It’s far too tempting to scapegoat the sitting President–especially when they’re as terrible as Donald J Trump. But if you do that, you’re ignoring the reason that he’s in the oval office to begin with.
Willful Ignorance Kills
I’ve talked about this before, when I used to write on Medium:
- https://medium.com/@soatok/american-ignorance-in-2020-c72c78d11dbb
- https://medium.com/@soatok/dear-furries-bullshit-and-misinformation-will-hurt-you-4a6f531d62bd
The sole cause for the situation we’re in is the same anti-intellectualism that Isaac Asimov complained about back in 1980.
Even if you want to solely blame Donald Trump, about 40% of Americans currently approve of his presidency (archive).
How to Escape This Hellscape
Art by Swizz.
The only way to get out of the mess we’re in today is to stop tolerating ignorance and bullshit in your daily life. (Yes, this means you too, furry fandom! It’s not “all fun and games” anymore.)
That means, at a minimum:
- Not spreading the Myers-Brigg personality test bullshit
- Not giving the anti-LGBTQIA+ bigots at Chick-Fil-A any money
- Listening to experts (this means: SCIENTISTS, not talk show hosts or politicians)
- Being willing to admit “I don’t know” and then being curious enough to seek the truth
- Stop reading or financially supporting biased news media
Even if we manage to get out of the current COVID-19 hellscape without addressing these flaws, the next catastrophe will hit us just as hard.
Can People’s Minds Be Changed?
No. I don’t think most of the willfully ignorant assholes currently living in America that favor Trump’s presidency today are willing and capable of redemption.There will be exceptions, and we should remain open to the possibility of some people coming around, but in general most of these jerks will dig their heels in when pressured.
Instead, we’re going to have to wait for them to die off naturally.
What we can do in the meantime is promote better education for the American kids.
https://www.youtube.com/embed/ILQepXUhJ98?feature=oembed
A nation of enlightened free-thinkers fully capable of critical thought would be a good thing (even if Carlin thinks it will never happen). And we can get there, eventually.
All it takes is everyone deciding to be humble and actually verify what other people tell them (n.b. by referencing reputable sources).
It might not make a difference today, but in 10 or 20 years, a consistent effort to enable younger Americans to become smarter, wiser, and more empathetic than their parents and grandparents will change the political landscape of our country–and maybe even the world–for the better.
Art by Khia
Of course, the Powers That Be know that, which is why we see bullshit like this keep happening during a pandemic:
With a stroke of his veto pen, Gov. Ron DeSantis wiped out the entire $29.4 million budget for a suite of online education services that have become critical to students and faculty during the Covid-19 outbreak https://t.co/6PMop4SIPv— POLITICO (@politico) June 30, 2020
Remember, DeSantis is the governor of the state whose COVID-19 infections-per-day graph looks like this:
You can see a clear data pattern with Florida's COVID-19 with a lull each Sunday. I've computed the baseline for this week (Sunday's numbers) and the last two weeks' increase relative to Sunday. We're easily on track to hit 10,000 new cases Friday-ish, maybe even higher. pic.twitter.com/8pnXF5uEwR— 💙💛 "Dog Boy" Nex' 💙💛 (@NexJql) July 1, 2020
It won’t be easy. Bullshit is everywhere. But it’s doable.
Addendum: A Carnival of Stupid
In case you still had any doubt about the potent lethality of American anti-intellectualism, look no further than this story:Florida teen dies after conspiracy theorist mom takes her to church ‘COVID party’ and tries to treat her with Trump-approved drug: report – https://t.co/Bw3SMVitxx— Jeffrey Levin 🇺🇦 (@jilevin) July 6, 2020
We have to demand better of ourselves before we can demand better of others. But damn if the bar isn’t really, really low to begin with.
I believe someday we'll open up textbooks and find this screenshot under the definition of "cognitive dissonance". pic.twitter.com/n535Obq6SB— 🦊 Ennex is trying this again! 🦊 (@EnnexTheFox) July 7, 2020
The White House Press Secretary on Trump's push to reopen schools: "The science should not stand in the way of this."
— Jim Acosta (@Acosta) July 16, 2020
https://soatok.blog/2020/07/02/how-and-why-america-was-hit-so-hard-by-covid-19/
